1) Players who don't instantly skip the minute-long pre-game cinematic
Look, this may be your cup final, pal, but I need to fit a dozen games in before my eyeballs finally fall out of my head and you’re really not helping any.
2) Players who start doing insolent keepie uppies when they're losing
No, really, what an awesome display of skill and defiance. Although perhaps if you spent as much time learning the game as you did the skill moves then you wouldn’t be 5-0 down with 40 minutes still to play.
3) Players who only have one tactic
What’s this? A lofted through ball down the wing to Antonio Valencia/Theo Walcott/Pierre-Emerick-bloody Aubameyang Quelle sodding surprise!
Thanks to FIFA 14’s over-emphasis on players with pace, playing FUT online can often feel like being trapped inside one of Sam Allardyce’s more fevered dreams.
4) Players with a star studded side who are rubbish
A couple of nights ago I genuinely encountered someone who boasted Messi, Ronaldo and Neymar in his starting line-up - a trio you’d need the combined bank balances of Roman Abramovich, Sheikh Mansour AND the Duke of Westminster to purchase even virtually - but who couldn’t pass the time of day.
5) Players who deliberately field low-quality teams in open online competitions
Yes, you’re clearly better at this than me but there’s no need to bloody rub it in.
6) Players whose home and away kits are similar colours
There’s a reason why they’re so different in the real world, you know: it's so you can tell the bloodyplayers apart!
See also: players controlling the ‘away’ team who refuse to change their strip when it clashes with yours. Even Fergie wouldn't have tried that one.
7) Players who unknowingly have their microphones switched on
Because nothing adds to the big-match ambiance like hearing every cough, sneeze and shrieked message from your mum that dinner’s ready.
That said, I am willing to concede that this can often be preferable to Alan Smith’s co-commentary.
8) Players who endlessly pause the game to tinker with their team
Whether a genuine attempt to turn the tide of the game or a blatant attempt to knock you out of your rhythm, the inescapable truth remains: you're not Jose Mourinho, you're an annoying little shit.
9) Players who watch replays of their goals
Most decent human beings subscribe to the unwritten etiquette that you can watch one replay if the quality of your goal warrants it, but that’s it. There are some people, however, who insist on savouring every single angle of their strike - usually headers. From a corner - and the sodding slo-mo celebration that follows.
As long as corporal punishment remains outlawed, the only recourse normal folk have to this heinous behaviour is, of course, to do exactly the same thing for every subsequent goal you score in the game. Be warned, though: the small sense of vengeance will be as nothing to the new patina of scum you’ll feel coating your very soul every time you do so.
10) Players who watch replays of their chances
Frankly, these people make the goal celebrators look like an amalgam of Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa and the late Nelson Mandela.
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